What Happens When You Look Up Your Name on Urban Dictionary.

Sometimes the World Says the Kindest Things. Maybe not the world but at least the world wide web. I was on Urban Dictionary today doing... frankly does anyone ever reach Urban Dictionary with a solid agenda? 

So anyway, just to bug a colleague, I looked up her name. I knew her name would fetch a response since she shares it with Aishwarya Rai. For my readers from USA and South Korea, she was the annoying but beautiful Indian actress from Pink Panther 2. The movie which you must have possibly seen while battling insomnia or on an airplane.

After we guffawed a bit, she suggested we look up my name and then this shows up.

Zoom in to see what I really stand for. More or less.

So as per Urban Dictionary, I'm smart. Check. I'm emotional?! But I've been stoic since late 90s. So that's wrong. Let's move on to the part about wearing my heart on my sleeve. The last time I fell for someone England used to be good at their national sport. Scared of rejection? I work in advertising and I still maintain, us copywriters get paid for rewriting, not writing.

Loves crazy women? Well, it's not that  sort of a blog. Jack of all trades, eh? Finally, some due credit. I suck at football and cricket. Let's not even talk about my violin or piano playing skills but I think I could catch up later in life.

I'm reserved. I was shy as a kid. Still am. It's gotten me a bad rep. People mistake it for being snobbish. I also have to admit to the writer's fact that I'm an acquired taste.  Yet, I tip my hat to the writer on Urban Dictionary, Mr. or Miss RockkYourBody with 2 ks. You did get a lot of things right. Do I know you? Ping me. Instagram me. I want you to edit and make corrections. 

My Friends Have a Very Meek Notion of Irony.

I say some stuff about Candy Crush Saga and how everyone's hooked on it.

A few minutes later I get this.

How to Stop Peeping Toms from Looking at Your Cell Phones.

Works like a charm every time. Although the middle aged man next to me said he was only peeping because he was checking out the Swype keypad on my phone. Maybe that's one less guilty suspect but I have seen guys with Swype on their phones peep into my phone. So yes, you are better off with this trick.

Alia Bhatt Never Saw this Coming.

I am all for using starbursts and other elements to draw attention to specific elements but these guys went a little overboard. And am sure Alia Bhatt, the actress on the cover page would have a few reservations against this design flourish.

Here's How China Will Take Over the World.

They will get you hooked on Chinese food. Then they will make you watch mind-numbing songs about Chinese Food.



Well played, you Chinese folks. 

My PC Can Look into the Future.

I usually go for gadgets that have more firepower than I would ever need. Granted I plan to edit my future feature film on my new computer, but when I got it I never quiet realised it came with some really clever features. Like the Windows 7 OS this thing runs on can actually look into the future. Don't believe me? Have a look yourself.

I always arrange files as per dates and the last file you see here which is classified under the absurd but accurate 'Sometime in the future' section is actually a reference picture I saved for a deck chair I want to make. Freak coincidence or clairvoyance? Regardless of that I admit I haven't been giving Windows 7 and my computer as much credit as they deserve.

When Your Art Director's Spectacles Gather too Much Dust.

Here's an unintentionally hilarious Facebook post from the people at LensKart. The specs in question are not bad, I mean they got 104 likes but anyone really paying attention would notice that the frames in question are not the same ones Johnny Depp is wearing in the photograph. So yeah, make sure you scan through the minor details and the big picture too. 

What Nolan Could Have Learned from Schumacher.

So we all love 'The Dark Knight'. Possibly the greatest superhero film of our times. But you know what, as much as the Two Face is essential to the film - to showing how one can fall beneath one's own standards, forget one's code, etc, etc, he slows the film down. I mean, we all want more of the Joker. We want to see him push the envelope for crazy further. Nolan should have understood this and taken a cue from Schumacher's much-deplored flick 'Batman Forever'. All he had to do was write a scene where Batman throws a pile of coins on the Two Face and the crazy attorney is done for. See for yourself how effective the scene would have been.

Taglines for Kurla Tourism.

Think Saki Naka is bad? You ain't seen nothing yet baby. Come to Kurla. Or as they call it hell on earth. Every day I lose minutes of my life stranded in its traffic. Every day I beg rude rickshaw-wallahs to take me to their destination - to actually do the jobs they are supposed to do. Every day my feet make contact with the muck of its potholed roads. So this is my tribute to Kurla. A few pro bono taglines. 


Kurla - Meet Mother Nature's shithole.

Kurla - A pothole on every corner.

Kurla  - Come for the BKC shortcut, stay because of the traffic jam.

Kurla - It's just like Bandra, except for the sea, the babes and the booze.

Kurla - Where none of the fun is.

Kurla - When you crave a slow painful death.

Kurla - Where you will be, when your karma catches up with you.

Kurla - Discover hell on earth.

Kurla - Satan's own country.

Kurla - Puts Andheri East to shame. 

Lakme Gets a Vampire to Act as a Skin Expert in its Ad.

Look Count Dracula, the local beautician. 

Most advertising's cumulative effect is subliminal. But Lakme hit a masterstroke in its 30 second commercial for a product called Youth Infinity. With this product, women's 'Twenties sculpted look' is protected. Now who better to talk about looking just the same than a vampire. They cleverly put a pasty looking distant cousin of Mr. Dracula to act as the skin expert and explain to the woman how she can continue to look the same with Youth Infinity. 

Well played Lakme. Hope someone soon puts up the director's cut of the commercial where we see the guy digging his fangs into the young model and giving her a beauty solution that may actually work.

In Memoriam.

Okay, nobody really died. One of the copywriters at my agency left. This made Sandy, an art director really upset. You do remember Sandy, right? Well Sandy aspired to be more than an art partner for this copywriter. He wanted to be his life partner. Fortunately for the copywriter and unfortunately for Sandy, things didn't work out. So Sandy was looking glum from the past few days. That's why I made this little installation for him and stuck it on the soft board of his desk. He can now easily add more tissues to the soft board and cry his heart out.

The Beard Is Not an Invitation.

My beard took over my cheeks sometime back. The response to that has been fairly divisive. From flattery that likened me to early Clint Eastwood to remarks that focused on my resemblance to the Hindi film villain's henchmen. From 'Your beard hides your dimples, shave it' to 'We have a client meeting today. Why can't you just shave like us normal people?' I think I heard it all.

Although once I got acquainted to the veiled compliments and barbed remarks, a disturbing pattern emerged. Strange men with beards, beards far less impressive than mine of course, started adding me on Facebook. Here's an exhibit:

I can't be your beard buddy.

So to you strange men I say. I support your cause. No, our cause. Of letting our scraggly beards wild upon our faces and into the world. But geez guys, keep them to yourself and stop adding me on Facebook. 

The People at Crossword Do Have a Sense of Humour.

Unfortunately, what they don't have is a large enough humour section.

Very clever guys, but did you really have to
scale down your humour section for this?

My Friends Get the Darnadest Notes with their Gifts.

There are plenty of things you can do for making a friend's birthday memorable. Like leaving behind a hand-written note like this one.

A disparate group of people came together for this one.

Not Now Honey, Am Organising My Browser Tabs.

Browse Like a Man (Who Has Short Attention Span).

Escape.

Some head to the beaches. Others to parks. The shopaholics go to the stores. I head to the nearest bookshop when I need to escape. 

Waltzed in at Crossword during their book sale. Their discounts couldn't hold a candle to the discounts the online shopping goliaths offer. Even during a sale, the footfalls seemed scarce and the staff seemed lethargic too. Things don't bode well for these book stores and that worries me. Personally. My first proper date included a detour to the Landmark Bookstore for God's sake. 

How to Ruin a Perfectly Sweet Birthday Greeting.

So my co-worker Sandeep is kind of a jerk. The first one to pick on the newbies at work. Always ready to play some cruel trick. Needless to say, I stepped in to mete out justice. Someone had to. Evil after all should be expelled with evil. Yes, I read too many comic books while growing up. Your concern actually appalls me. Anywho, so when Sandeep got a sweet greeting from the company wishing him on his birthday, I made a few modifications to make the greeting even more accurate.

The word I omitted out was 'Never'.
Dedicated to writing honest copy since 14 century BC.

What Happens When the Art Director Has a Go at the Copy

Those not aware of Helvetica, here's a small intro. Helvetica is possibly the most popular font of our times. It's ubiquitous, business like without being boring and a whole bunch of brands, right from Apple to a couple of major financial conglomerates use it. Most if not all art directors adore it. You can use it on everything - right from your resume to the centerfold for Playboy and it will never look odd. Which brings me to the point of this Facebook post - some helvetica loving art director decided to dabble with copy and viola, this piece of brilliance came into being. Lesson learnt - never let an art director write copy.

Nah, it's never gonna be 'More Perfect' than Georgia. 

It's not surprising that whenever my art partners see the doodles I make while thinking or for explaining a particular concept, they are left fuming too. Here's an example. You see that thing down there? It's supposed to be an eagle.

Pretty much nailed it, didn't I?

PS: This is all in jest! I need you, Mr/Miss Art Director to ask me to trim that headline and you need me to tell you to go easy on the helvetica. And with some practice and help, we can do each other's jobs and make the work better too. So let's get together and make something better than this piece of turd here. Of course am not talking about my awesome eagle doodle.

I Work with the Nicest Account Executive!

I mean, sure he has good intentions and all, but the only task he has managed to finish between 7 t0 9, is the 9th one. And he isn't even playing the best Govinda songs. The man didn't even bother with Coolie No. 1 OST. What is up with that? Regardless, he does have some good intentions.

Advertising needs more men like these. Heck, copywriters need more such executives. 

That Was Close.

Being a photographer is a lot like being Indiana Jones.