Rains Would Never Sound the Same.

Oh, Rahman. You made the chill of Kashmir sound pristine with 'Yeh Haseen Waadiyan'. You made the mist of Himachal sound liberating with 'Maahi Ve'. And you also did this for the rains. I am not crazy for Aishwarya Rai but with Mani Ratnam calling the shots, she has never looked prettier. Sorry, I don't fall for all the cosmetic haze Bhansali put her through in Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam.




PS: Also, in the film this song takes place in Gujarat. Sorry to offend Modi followers but Gujarat isn't *that* green. This song was shot in the villages of Karnataka. 

How To Write Like Rajkumar Hirani.

3 Idiots. The Munna Bhai Series. And now, PK. Rajkumar Hirani and his writing partner Abhijat Joshi can do no wrong. What's more, me and this other colleague have a hunch in some other life these two would have been great ad-men. Every film they create has a tagline, a takeaway so to speak. Jaado ki jhappi. Get well soon. Aal is well. And all these catchphrases go viral. That's media mileage most brands would kill for.

Last night I heard him give a talk at an Advertising Standards Council of India (ASCI) conference. He discussed about censorship, creativity and how to deal with the unintended outbursts arising due to some obtuse interpretations of your work. The last bit, he unfortunately became familiar with due to PK.

But my favourite part of the talk was when he discussed the LCD principle. It's sort of a thumb rule he and Abhijat apply to every scene they write. As per it, everything you write should either make the audience Laugh, Cry or invoke some Drama. Short for LCD. Which makes a lot of sense. Not a scene is a filler. Every scene serves a purpose. Now that you know how two of the best writers in Bollywood think, have a good second look at your script. Maybe there's some room for rewriting and editing. 

The Nineties Had the Best Earworms.

Remember the Nineties? Remember the movies? Guys with mutton chops, really long hair and Akshay Kumar being the shit. Like 'the' hot shit. Anyway, Bollywood had some really awkward years in the Nineties. As a result of this we are left with a lot of anomalies. Like Phool aur Kaante. This hit film released the year I was born and sort of put Ajay Devgan on the map. It was a college comedy that turns dark as all Nineties films were wont to and then turned into a Karate Kid seeks vengeance.

So when a few days back JCVD, yes you know the man who made Nineties awkward for Hollywood returned in this really epic commercial for Volvo.



I loved the commercial and it's really one amazing campaign but it got me thinking, 'Meh, apna  Ajay Devgan (Devgn now, is it?) did this like 2 decades back.' No shit, check this out.



Then while I was telling an Art Director at work about the film. He couldn't remember it. So a slightly older Account Guy - one who probably saw this flick on the big screen sang this song to remind him. And ever since then the song's stuck in my head. It's not really a bad song, except that it is a Nineties song which mean it either had Kumar Sanu or Udit Narayan singing it with either Anuradha Puadwal and Sadhna Sargam. This one features Kumar and Anuradha. The lyrics are as silly as they get and you have Shakti Kapoor frolicking in the swimming pool for no reason. That's always worth a watch. So is the female lead struggling to say, 'Oh my God!'

Thanks for All the Effort, Sonakshi.

I just saw Lootera - the much-hyped, much-hated, deserved-to-tank film everyone was crazy about. It's a decent enough film but it would have worked better had it been a painting. It's filled with beautiful pictures alright. There are shots where snow just magically trickles down on the actors (actors, not characters) and the beauty and technique of it reminds me of the way raindrops fell in Raavan. There's also this bit about how these two lovers at the heart of the film meet during in the summer of their youth in rural Bengal and after heartbreak and years of growing older, possibly wiser reunite in the cold winters of Dalhousie. Nice touch, that. Oh there are nice touches dime-a-dozen in Lootera but where it implacably fails is in the acting prowess of its leads.

Ranveer Singh does his best or at least there's a modicum of effort involved but Sonakshi Sinha doesn't even put the slightest amount  of strain on her vocal cords. This is the first film of hers which I have seen and no, thanks, I will not watch Dabangg unless it's played on a long-distance bus and I can't jump off. This woman has already acted in two hundred crore grossing films but I fail to think that it was her acting that delivered the numbers. Here she struggles on every note. Her anger is measured and far worse is her coughing. You see she plays a character called Pakhi who's fighting a losing battle with asthma. Now I have some firsthand experience with asthma. I had my father ferry me to the hospital at 2 in the morning thanks to it. Its stopped me from bagging even a single certificate albeit the participatory ones when it comes to athletics. It has seen me up at nights, gasping for breath, praying that my parents won't wake up and I won't miss college the next day.

Then I see Sonakshi huff and puff here with asthma. By jove, she not only is a disgrace to acting but to the mere act of coughing too. Put your lungs in it, lady. It's not that hard. Am not expecting you to do something as complicated as Holly Hunter in Broadcast News. No punching yourself in the stomach and saying, 'Damn it, he's only a guy.' I just want you to cough and pant like your life depended on it. 

The very casual way in which Pakhi's affliction is portrayed and how Sonakshi hams her way through it shows a major flaw with films in general. In cinema, diseases and the death that follows are used as an easy crutch to take the plot forward. No room for any poignant journeys to the end of the road. This is asthma we are talking about and it had me raging. Makes me wonder how cancer survivors must be seething when they see a cancer patient make magical recoveries after finding love. So yeah, if someone does die in a film I write, it won't be for shock and awe. It would be for a reason. To pardon the delusions of my grandeur, I would do it to highlight an aspect of the human condition. And no matter how I choose to portray death and disease in any work of mine, it would be far more moving than Sonakshi Sinha's half-assed coughing in Lootera.

Thank You, Kind Stranger for Making My Monday Memorable.

Excuse me if I go a little Blanche DuBois on you right now. I came to work today feeling slightly downbeat. The mere sound of Mondays doesn't put me in my best moods. Add to it the fact that I had slept late last night. An odd masochistic ritual I repeat diligently every Sunday. I came in thinking, 'Damn, this is going to be one long week' and then I found this on my table.

The Anniversary edition of Harper's was on my desk and the lovely bikini-clad Katrina Kaif on the cover was telling me, 'Listen buddy, if I can get through making my debut with Bad Man Gulshan Grover, you can get through Monday.' I guess when a super-hot bikini clad model with mediocre acting skills says things like these, you just have to agree.

I asked around later who left the copy on my desk. (If you go through my blog, you will realise that this sort of a thing happens a lot at my office.) Surprisingly no one had a clue. Some kind stranger decided to cheer me up by leaving it on my desk. To thee, dear stranger, I solemnly thank. I will also have you know that am partial to Chitrangada Singh though.